The Mean Reds

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Understatement.

To be more honest and accurate, one might actually call me anal retentive. Hence, the reason it took me 2 days to think of a name for my blog. My ClaireBear and I were chatting about ideas for blog titles when this one smacked me in the face and I thought, 'perfect'.

And no, Laura Jarman, I am not competing in "the world's most pretentious blog titles". I was a bit down in the dumps the other day and had changed my status on facebook... "Breanna Goff has a case of the mean reds", because I felt blue, but not blue. Red. To which I got a few messages and emails asking what, in God's good name, were the mean reds?

I'm a bit of an Audrey fan. A Capote fan to boot. Breakfast at Tiffany's is one of my *favourite films, and recently, one of my favourite reads. Holly Golightly is a simple, yet complex character, whom I love and despise. I spent the whole time reading Capote's brilliance, wanting to hug or punch Holly Golightly in the stomache. I will wholeheartedly agree with Nicole in the fact that Holly was a drunk and a poseur. But she sure was fun. And even though she was vain and extremely false, nauseating at times with her pretenses, she had moments of vulnerability, depths of honesty through rose coloured glasses.

The mean reds exist in real life, not just on paper. And you'd know what they were if you've ever have had them. It's an anxious, sad feeling that sits in the pit of your stomache, harbours in your mind and won't let up.

Holly Golightly: Listen, you know those days when you've got the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: Same as the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of. Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is. You've had that feeling?

I have. Maybe that's why I thought it was a good name for this place. My life is filled with so much uncertainty and angst at the moment. I'm afraid of what I don't know and of what I am realising. So many changes have taken place and will continue to take place. I'm at a crossroads and I'm ever so anxious about it. I don't bode well with uncertainty. I'm a girl who likes to sit in the driver's seat and have a map right next to her. And yes, I realise that might sound extremely ridiculous considering I've been vagabonding through Europe the past three years, but when it comes to my life and its direction and where it will begin and end, I am frightfully fearful. Fearful that I will not be the person I should be, that I will make the wrong decisions, make a left instead of a right, that I am not in the right place and won't end up in the right place. Fearful, ultimately, that I do not have the control. I can only will so many things. I can alter my destiny, choose which paths I take, but I can't control it. It's difficult accepting this fact~ even though you might think you know what you want, someone else, greater than you or me, knows better. And there is another plan, a greater plan out there for you to realise and attain. I'm trying to stay open and receptive. But it's hard when my heart is not here. I know this sounds all very koombahyah, "let go and let God". But I'm tired of fighting everything in life. I know that the things that are worth it, do not, by any means, come easily. That's why I'm not giving up. Don't worry your pretty little head Jenna Rae. This post is not a white flag. But not all of life should be an uphill battle. And I want to get to the place where there is even ground and just coast for a while.


Sidenotes
* favourite- Having lived in the UK for the past two years, I have gotten used to spelling with ou's, rather than o's, and s's, rather than z's (i.e. organise, plagarise, legalisation). Don't bother me about it! I think it looks rather nice. I think you're rather nice.