I also found all of my old journals and poetry notebooks. I've been reading through them and it has been a great source of laughter. It's funny that you cannot see through what you are going through at the moment. Every disappointment and setback seems like the end of the world then. Adam McConkie not asking me to dance in 8th grade at the Regional Dance sent me into a state of despair. I wrote about it for days. Retrospect is a beautiful thing.
It's been interesting rereading my inane, teenage babble and watching myself grow into a mature woman. While a lot of it is silly and completely unimportant, I realise that in that moment, it wasn't. This has helped me realise that this moment that I am in, while ever so challenging and heart wrenching, shall pass.
"In a dark time, the eye begins to see." - Theode Roethke.
As will I. My eyes just need to adjust. And even though the road ahead seems like a dark, steep, uphill climb: I will persevere and when I reach the end of this road and turn to another, I will look behind me and think- that was nothing in comparison to what lies ahead. As we grow, so do our responsibilities, our knowledge, our desires. In the beautiful retrospect we eventually gain, its all insignificant. I guess I shouldn't say insignificant. Making it through each and every moment, the rough terrain, trains us for the future, building our endurance so we can climb ever so higher. But, the moments that we are in and the future, they hold the most relevance at the time.
Portugal seemed daunting at first, but I made it work. London was a struggle. Equally, when I first moved back to California, it wasn't all roses at first. But I made each of those places, each experience, my own, beautiful, happy existence. I don't think of the struggle at all when I think of those places. I think of what I made them be. The beauty they beheld. The difficult times planted the seeds to grow into that beauty.
Right now deciding what I want to do with my life seems like a very tall task. But I know I will figure it out with the same amount of grace that I walked out of each of those places with. And the continuity of getting through one thing to the next, will only evolve as I do. Today it is wanting to be in another country where my heart lies, but knowing I need to be here and work towards my future. I know I will get through this and that tomorrow might bring more obstacles, and with those obstacles: eventual, well-earned happiness.
I found an old journal entry that really made me cry last night. It made me very happy to read my dreams and hopes at 22 years old and realising that even though I may not be in the place I want to be in this moment, I know I can get there because I already have.
July, 2002~ Hermosa Beach, California
I dream of sights unseen
jetting off to Paris, Portugal,
Dublin, and Rome
To see art
To experience cultures
To meet people who broaden my views
To jump into a car
To drive on the left side and sit on the right
with a map in the passenger's seat
and no direction at all
To sit in a pub
To talk of politics and religion
the weather and love
with old and young
until the sun would hide away
and my cheeks were flush
To walk through a city at 3am
with just my shadow and a lit cigarette
Searching for myself
But I'm not packing my bags
Haven't even got a dollar or a passport
Scared of what I may find
Its not the responsible thing to do
But is it responsible to ignore?
I'm a coward, so many hopes and dreams
not forming my reality
You tell me these are silly thoughts,
a mad woman's rants
stay grounded
I don't think the ground is where I'm meant to be
Maybe my head belongs up in the sky
so that I can see
It's not well written, I know. Just thoughts in my journal at 22 on a sleepless summer's night.
It made my heart so glad to read that. It restored a bit of faith in myself.
I'm not mad. And I have dreamed bigger and brighter still.
My Lisboa
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