The Way We Were

As I previously mentioned, I've been doing a lot of rummaging through my old belongings. Doing so, I found loads of old pictures and scrapbooks from Junior High and High School. Last week I put up a bunch of these old photos on facebook. I woke up to 42 messages in the morning. They made people smile, they made me smile.

Looking at them made me happy. They made me think of simpler, happy times. Times when life seemed so easy, when small choices like who to ask to a dance or what to wear to school didn't dictate the rest of our lives.

Sometimes, I miss those simple days. I wouldn't trade today for yesterday for anything, but it is nice to reminisce. Yesterday, on a long drive, I popped in an old cd. It happened to be the soundtrack of my life... Meredith Brooks, Coyote Ugly, Westside Connection, Wyclef Jean, Natalie Merchant and so many more tunes evoked the funniest and happiest memories. Window down, hair blowing wild in the warm wind, I sang along, continuously laughing out loud at all of the memories flooding my mind.

I've reconnected with a lot of old friends in just the short month I've been home. People whom I haven't spoken to in ten years, in five years. Friends I've lost or lost touch with, some of whom I never thought I'd speak to again. And time, again, has proved to be a friend. Enough of it has passed that it has healed old wounds, made us brave again, allowed us to open ourselves up again. And like in Junior High School, those things that seemed so big and so bad at the moment, now don't seem as important. We have all grown up, grown wiser, in five short years. We aren't as petty. We value those happy memories a bit more, knowing that they don't come as easily as they did in those blissful days.

I don't know if any of these friendships will ever again be the way they once were. I guess, I wouldn't want them to be. We are all different people now, having gone through so may different experiences while we've been apart. And while those experiences might help or hinder these resurfaced friendships, I'm willing to see where they lead.

People come in and out of your life at certain moments, for reasons we don't always know. We should always hold onto to this. And I'm not saying if someone pisses you off, you should write them off. Yes, sometimes you should fight for the things that are important to you. And fight until you can't fight anymore. But it's important to know when enough is enough. Don't beat it into the ground. Don't clamp down your teeth so tightly, like a puppy dog with a chicken in its jaws, head vigorously shaking back and forth, until its dead. Some things, some relationships, are not to be at that moment in your life. Don't fight them till there's nothing left. Know when to let go. What is that quote... something about letting a bird out of its cage and if its returns to you, its yours, but if it flies away it was never meant to be? I think this is true of relationships of all kind, not just those of a romantic nature.

It's easier as we get older, isn't it? All of these things, I've known, I just never understood fully until now. I'm in the midst of so much understanding.

Time is of the Essence

Time is the longest distance between two places.
~Tennessee Williams

I haven't written very much the past few days. My goal is to do so at least 5 times a week. To take time out to write something, but not just anything. There is still time to spare!

This week has passed in a blink of an eye.

Part of me hopes and prays that time continues to pass as quickly, that June 24th (when Christian arrives) is here tomorrow. And then that time will sit restfully still for the blissful two weeks that I have with my love.

Equally, part of me hopes that the next year passes as quickly. That I am able to do all that I need to do in this year so I am that much closer to be back with the man that I love and the place that is stuck in the core of my heart.

That is a horrible way to live my life, I think. Life and time are invaluable. Why would I want it to pass me by? Why would I want to waste one moment?

Timing is of the essence. Sometimes people, relationships, jobs, opportunity; they knock at the wrong time. What might be right tomorrow, might not be right for you today. Sometimes we need time to learn and grow and allow us to become the person we need to be for these things to work. Equally, sometimes we need to distance ourselves from situations that we are too close to. Up close and magnified, we cannot always see the big picture, but rather small, blurry dots. Time allows us to step back, readjust our way of seeing, and view it in its entirety.

I suppose that I am halfway there. My picture is focused. I am focused. I'm just waiting for a few pieces to fit in. I suppose I am fortunate because I know what it is I want. I've spent a lot of my life not knowing that. Now, it's just putting in my due diligence to get there. I struggle with that, with the meantime.

But, there are so many fun times yet to be had. Catching up, long strolls with friends on the beach, wine, hours of talking and realising how much we've all grown, reminiscing, dinners with family, enjoying the beauty and ease of California. There are many things for me to enjoy here. And whilst the distance of what I want might bring me moments of sadness, the time that I do have with the people that I love here is worth so much. I want to soak it all up.

Yesterday was time well spent walking and talking in the sand and and sun with my dear friend, Laura and going for $2 Tacos at Pancho's. I need more days like those. This is not passing the time, but rather, savouring it.

I Dream of Sights Unseen

Saturday I decided to get on top of things and do a bit of de-cluttering and so I dove into old boxes I had stored in my Dad's garage. Any shopping desires were quickly halted as I found lots of old, but lovely goodies packed away~ clothes, shoes, old dvd's and books I hadn't read. Tiny treasures here and there, old pictures and photo albums brought heartfelt smiles to my face, thinking of all of the happiness I have had in my life.

I also found all of my old journals and poetry notebooks. I've been reading through them and it has been a great source of laughter. It's funny that you cannot see through what you are going through at the moment. Every disappointment and setback seems like the end of the world then. Adam McConkie not asking me to dance in 8th grade at the Regional Dance sent me into a state of despair. I wrote about it for days. Retrospect is a beautiful thing.

It's been interesting rereading my inane, teenage babble and watching myself grow into a mature woman. While a lot of it is silly and completely unimportant, I realise that in that moment, it wasn't. This has helped me realise that this moment that I am in, while ever so challenging and heart wrenching, shall pass.

"In a dark time, the eye begins to see." - Theode Roethke.
As will I. My eyes just need to adjust. And even though the road ahead seems like a dark, steep, uphill climb: I will persevere and when I reach the end of this road and turn to another, I will look behind me and think- that was nothing in comparison to what lies ahead. As we grow, so do our responsibilities, our knowledge, our desires. In the beautiful retrospect we eventually gain, its all insignificant. I guess I shouldn't say insignificant. Making it through each and every moment, the rough terrain, trains us for the future, building our endurance so we can climb ever so higher. But, the moments that we are in and the future, they hold the most relevance at the time.

Portugal seemed daunting at first, but I made it work. London was a struggle. Equally, when I first moved back to California, it wasn't all roses at first. But I made each of those places, each experience, my own, beautiful, happy existence. I don't think of the struggle at all when I think of those places. I think of what I made them be. The beauty they beheld. The difficult times planted the seeds to grow into that beauty.

Right now deciding what I want to do with my life seems like a very tall task. But I know I will figure it out with the same amount of grace that I walked out of each of those places with. And the continuity of getting through one thing to the next, will only evolve as I do. Today it is wanting to be in another country where my heart lies, but knowing I need to be here and work towards my future. I know I will get through this and that tomorrow might bring more obstacles, and with those obstacles: eventual, well-earned happiness.

I found an old journal entry that really made me cry last night. It made me very happy to read my dreams and hopes at 22 years old and realising that even though I may not be in the place I want to be in this moment, I know I can get there because I already have.



July, 2002~ Hermosa Beach, California

I dream of sights unseen
jetting off to Paris, Portugal,
Dublin, and Rome
To see art
To experience cultures
To meet people who broaden my views
To jump into a car
To drive on the left side and sit on the right
with a map in the passenger's seat
and no direction at all
To sit in a pub
To talk of politics and religion
the weather and love
with old and young
until the sun would hide away
and my cheeks were flush
To walk through a city at 3am
with just my shadow and a lit cigarette
Searching for myself

But I'm not packing my bags
Haven't even got a dollar or a passport
Scared of what I may find
Its not the responsible thing to do
But is it responsible to ignore?

I'm a coward, so many hopes and dreams
not forming my reality
You tell me these are silly thoughts,
a mad woman's rants
stay grounded
I don't think the ground is where I'm meant to be
Maybe my head belongs up in the sky
so that I can see


It's not well written, I know. Just thoughts in my journal at 22 on a sleepless summer's night.

It made my heart so glad to read that. It restored a bit of faith in myself.

I'm not mad. And I have dreamed bigger and brighter still.

My Lisboa

Couscous Ka Roo

Mediterranean Lemon Basil Couscous

This is one of my favourite salads to eat on a warm day or a cold day- any old day. My friend Anabel taught me to season couscous with lemon, finely chopped mint and basil. To make it my own, I like to add a glug of olive oil from the sun dried tomatoes for taste. Grilled asparagus, sun dried tomatoes and toasted pine nuts make it light, yet hearty, and delish. Sprinkle in some feta for a final pizazz! I like to serve it on a bed of baby spinach, but arugula would be tasty too.

Ingredients
1 cup couscous
1 lemon
1 cup hot water
salt
pepper
large handful of basil
large handful of mint
4 - 5 sprigs of asparagus
1/2 block of feta cheese
1/2 cup sun dried tomatoes (in olive oil)
1/4 - 1/2 cup pine nuts
1/2 cup black olives (optional)


Directions

1. Bring 1 cup of water to a boil.
   
2. In a large mixing bowl, add 1 cup of couscous. Squeeze the juice of one lemon in the bowl (make sure you don't get any seeds!) Add the cup of bowling water. Do not stir. Cover mixing bowl with a dishtowel or lid for 5-10 minutes.
3. In a frying pan (you can also do this in the oven), turn the heat to low and wait for pan to heat up. Add your pine nuts and flip often so they do not burn. You just want to toast them up a bit. They won't need any oil as they emit their own. Remove from heat.
   
4. Wash your asparagus and cut off the ends and toss. Cut the good bits into diagonal chunks. In the same frying pan you toasted your pine nuts in (it gives it yummy flavour), add a tiny bit of olive oil (I like to use the oil from my sun dried tomatoes to make it more savoury), and toss your asparagus pieces in to grill. Salt and pepper. (Watch as to not overcook. Bits should be crunchy, not too soft.)
   
5. While your asparagus is grilling, get out your herbs. Rip the leaves from the stems and centers and finely chop up your mint and basil. (By this time, your asparagus should be done- remove from heat.)
   
6. Uncover your couscous and with a large fork, fluff. Add a few glugs of oil from your sun dried tomatoes (1-2 tablespoons), as well as salt and pepper to taste and fluff.
7. After your couscous has cooled down a bit, add your finely chopped herbs (you don't want it too warm as it will wilt) and give it a good stir, mixing the herbs into your couscous.
   
8. Add your toasted pine nuts and grilled asparagus. At this time, also add your sun dried tomatoes (roughly chop into smaller pieces if they come in large pieces) and black olives (optional).
9. Crumble your feta and toss it in. Mix thoroughly.
10. Serve on a bed of baby spinach or aragula and enjoy. Great accompaniment to grilled chicken breast or fish.
    

A Bad Taste In My Mouth

As I've just returned back to the States, I'm currently staying with my Dad, helping out with my elderly Grandfather, until I find work.

These are new relationships for me as I only met my biological Father about six years ago and we've really only been in touch the past three. And as most of you know, I've been living in Europe these past three years so we haven't had much time to build a relationship.

I know all relationships are hard work. I know this. But it's difficult forming that family bond with someone whom you've just met and are still trying to get to know.

Everyone has their little quirks and annoyances. It's easy to look past these in family members and close friends as they've been around so long that you hardly take notice of them. Or maybe its that we accept these faults or can look past them without a thought because we love them and appreciate all of the wonderful qualities they do possess. The good and the bad within them have been around your whole life, just like these people have. They are part of who they are.

Making new friends and getting to know people is always tricky. It shouldn't be hard. But there is always that period of adjustment, the getting to know you phase, in which you learn their sensitivities, step on a few toes, learn what is funny to them and what isn't, determine subjects that are off limits... politics, religion, etc. The latter is the hardest for me as the majority of the people I surround myself with are fairly open minded. I can, however, understand and respect that we are all a product of our environments and because of this, we come to different conclusions and different values. Our personal experiences, the way we were brought up, where we were brought up, our own free thinking- all these things and many more mold us into the person that we become.

I can respect these differences. I celebrate them. And I think they make for the most wonderful conversation- as long as everyone can stay open minded and respectful of where other people are coming from. Each of us are entitled to our own opinions. As I am mine.

There are certain subjects though, that I choose not to brooch with certain people. Because I know that they cannot look past being right or respect where I am coming from. If people could just accept that there doesn't always have to be a right and a wrong, a my way or the highway, well... the world would be a much better place. (I'm singing kumbaya in my head and everyone in the world is holding hands.)

You don't always have a choice when it comes to your family. I'm used to my family and I love them to bits. I don't always have to agree with their opinions or choices, but I love them unconditionally nonetheless.

I'm struggling with this now. It's a strange thing, attempting to build a parental bond with your Father at 29 years old. With someone whom you don't know and share no interests or common ground with. It's not unconditional.

Here's a good place to start... compliment your daughter's cooking.

Yesterday my Father told me that it wasn't necessary for me to cook for him and my Grandfather, which I've been doing a few nights every week.

I love to feed people. Not literally feed them, spoon to mouth. But I love cooking for my friends and family. I am my Mother's daughter in that sense. It gives me an enormous sense of pride and satisfaction to rustle up a tasty meal for the people that I care about. I am at my craziest and happiest in these moments. Baking cookies, searing tuna, perfecting hollandaise, chopping up a fresh tapenade... these things, they mean that I care about you, that you're worth all of this hard work and goodness. I don't just cook for anyone. It's my way of saying I love you.

And I don't mind boasting over the fact that I am a good cook. I'm proud that I am. It's the one sure thing that I can do. It gives me satisfaction to satisfy taste buds. And no one in my entire life has ever told me they didn't like my food. It has been a constant norm that plates have been demolished and seconds typically had. (Except for that one time when I came back from Thailand and tried to make Pad Thai for Axie and Claire- disaster!)

So, when my Father told me that they prefer going out to my home cooked meals- it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. It was probably the most insulting thing you could say to me.

Hey, ho- you can't satisfy them all. But maybe I can satisfy you with a recipe tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Claire

My sweet, lovely Claire turns 15 today. And while, her maturity, grace and wisdom add up to much more, I thought I'd honour her today with 15 wonderful things to celebrate her 15 years.

1. You are extremely clever and funny and you always can make me laugh or bring a smile to my face.
2. I admire your honesty.
3. You are a classic beauty and you honour that.
4. You have a good head on your shoulders and I admire your conviction. You don't allow others to influence your decisions..
5. You are more mature than I am at times.
6. You are respectful and treat others with kindness.
7. You are a hard worker and work earnestly towards your goals and commitments.
8. I love that you laugh when you're nervous. It's cute.
   
9. You like good music, and for this, I like you.
10. You are a wonderful friend, true blue, and I am proud to call you mine.
11. I love your sense of style and your mad decorating skills.
12. You are special, and not in a special olympics, type of way.
13. You are graceful and don't spill your iced tea.
14. I love your optimism and positive attitude, yet you are grounded and don't float away.
15. You keep it real.

ClaireBear,

Happy, happy birthday my sweet cracker. I have enjoyed watching you grow into such a beautiful, young woman. I am so proud of all that you have accomplished in 15 short years and look forward to watching the rest unfold.

You are absolutely lovely inside and out and I feel blessed to have you in my life. Many happy returns princess and I hope that you have a top notch day!

Xx,
Bre

The Mean Reds

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Understatement.

To be more honest and accurate, one might actually call me anal retentive. Hence, the reason it took me 2 days to think of a name for my blog. My ClaireBear and I were chatting about ideas for blog titles when this one smacked me in the face and I thought, 'perfect'.

And no, Laura Jarman, I am not competing in "the world's most pretentious blog titles". I was a bit down in the dumps the other day and had changed my status on facebook... "Breanna Goff has a case of the mean reds", because I felt blue, but not blue. Red. To which I got a few messages and emails asking what, in God's good name, were the mean reds?

I'm a bit of an Audrey fan. A Capote fan to boot. Breakfast at Tiffany's is one of my *favourite films, and recently, one of my favourite reads. Holly Golightly is a simple, yet complex character, whom I love and despise. I spent the whole time reading Capote's brilliance, wanting to hug or punch Holly Golightly in the stomache. I will wholeheartedly agree with Nicole in the fact that Holly was a drunk and a poseur. But she sure was fun. And even though she was vain and extremely false, nauseating at times with her pretenses, she had moments of vulnerability, depths of honesty through rose coloured glasses.

The mean reds exist in real life, not just on paper. And you'd know what they were if you've ever have had them. It's an anxious, sad feeling that sits in the pit of your stomache, harbours in your mind and won't let up.

Holly Golightly: Listen, you know those days when you've got the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: Same as the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. You're afraid and you sweat like hell, but you don't know what you're afraid of. Except something bad is going to happen, only you don't know what it is. You've had that feeling?

I have. Maybe that's why I thought it was a good name for this place. My life is filled with so much uncertainty and angst at the moment. I'm afraid of what I don't know and of what I am realising. So many changes have taken place and will continue to take place. I'm at a crossroads and I'm ever so anxious about it. I don't bode well with uncertainty. I'm a girl who likes to sit in the driver's seat and have a map right next to her. And yes, I realise that might sound extremely ridiculous considering I've been vagabonding through Europe the past three years, but when it comes to my life and its direction and where it will begin and end, I am frightfully fearful. Fearful that I will not be the person I should be, that I will make the wrong decisions, make a left instead of a right, that I am not in the right place and won't end up in the right place. Fearful, ultimately, that I do not have the control. I can only will so many things. I can alter my destiny, choose which paths I take, but I can't control it. It's difficult accepting this fact~ even though you might think you know what you want, someone else, greater than you or me, knows better. And there is another plan, a greater plan out there for you to realise and attain. I'm trying to stay open and receptive. But it's hard when my heart is not here. I know this sounds all very koombahyah, "let go and let God". But I'm tired of fighting everything in life. I know that the things that are worth it, do not, by any means, come easily. That's why I'm not giving up. Don't worry your pretty little head Jenna Rae. This post is not a white flag. But not all of life should be an uphill battle. And I want to get to the place where there is even ground and just coast for a while.


Sidenotes
* favourite- Having lived in the UK for the past two years, I have gotten used to spelling with ou's, rather than o's, and s's, rather than z's (i.e. organise, plagarise, legalisation). Don't bother me about it! I think it looks rather nice. I think you're rather nice.